Touch
by TheMagnaka
Summary: after the battle, Bilbo has some problems to touch anyone. He's leaving the Mountain but is that right decision. No pairings. Angst.
1. Thorin

_set after BOTFA, Everyone lives_

_no beta, sorry my bad language_

#

**Touch**

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He never actually realized how much he missed to be touched. He was a hobbit, a gentlehobbit, born and raised to class of hobbits whom were supposed to be above the rudeness and ill-manners and be gentle and take care of the others. He was grandson of the very great Thain ever lived, his favorite, and his uncle was now Thain. He was a Took, and now he had proved it, he had gone to adventure like his mother, who he missed so much, especially now of all the times. But he was Baggins, Mister Baggins of the Bag End. Holder of the great lands of Hobbitton and there was responsibilities what he had abandoned and he have to go back soon, very soon, though the journey would be hard and long and he was still ill and wounded.

But, he was a hobbit. He didn't belong at the under the hard rock and stone.

A hobbit who had been a misbehavior little brat in his younger days, always seeking elves and playing pranks. His shot arm with stones was unheard ability and usually when he stepped to the forest he never could see birds or squirrels anymore. It made him bit sad in his older days and some days he repented it.

He had been a leader of his Took cousins, and usually also his Baggins cousins too, but then his parents had died. First mother, then father couple of years later, Bilbo being only being twenty-eight, maybe too young to take over the responsibilities and that day had been the day when he lost it.

The touch of someone other.

He was Baggins of Bag End, gentlehobbit, he had his responsibilities, his home, his books, his garden, his lands, the vineyards and the tobacco field and his tenants. He had to be careful. No humbling with lads or lasses, not because there was no time but he had to keep his good reputation. Like that mattered anymore.

Because he had come to adventure with dwarves who had no limits or personal space if you weren't bonded to anyone. He had used to feel the touches again.

Dwalin's tight grip. Kili' and Fili's hugs and how they launched themselves on him, hanging around him. Bofur's boisterous slam on the back and laugh. Balin' and Ori's gentle touch on his arms. Oin's harshness when he made sure he was alright after trolls and goblins and wargs and elves. Nori's so light touch that it rivaled his own when he seek something from his pockets and he pretended not to notice because they all came back, eventually. Dori's too hard grip, not realizing his own strength sometimes. Bifur's tender, very fumble touch when they shared the pipe. Only Bombur and Gloin kept it themselves, their hearts longing their wives and children.

He was so used to them by now, their touches.

And then there was Thorin and his hug, the hand over his shoulder, the gentle touches, warm and careful and so fierce sometimes, protecting him. But then came the hand on his throat, squeezing the air out of his lungs and first time in his life he was afraid of the touch of someone else.

When Thorin apologized he had withdrawn automatically, not noticing it, but Thorin had and he had looked hurt and sad.

When he had screamed when Bofur had embraced him tightly, glad to see him again alive, he had realized that something was wrong.

Oin, the elves and Gandalf, all of them just wanted to see that he was alright, but he couldn't let them touch. Not anymore. He recoiled from everyone too near of him, like every touch was burning his skin.

So he was staying alone in his rooms, waiting a word from Gandalf that they could leave. There was always someone visiting him, but he kept himself at the other side of the room, and although he could see the worry and the pitying and concern on their eyes, he couldn't let them come near.

Then Thorin came, finally well enough to get up from bed.

"My official coronation is tomorrow."

Bilbo nodded, not meeting his eyes. "Balin told me. Told me that you're well enough now, almost healed."

"And you are leaving after that."

Bilbo sighed. "Yes, Gandalf is ready to leave. I… I want to go home. We may stay in Rivendell some time."

"Lord Elrond… Can he help you?" Thorin asked and Bilbo stared his hands.

"I… I don't know."

"I'm sorry." Thorin's voice was barely a whisper and Bilbo tried, he truly tried to raise his chin to look, but he couldn't. He sensed how the king moved closer and his eyes closed tightly and he was trembling.

"I'm sorry Bilbo." Thorin said again and now moved away and the door closed behind him and Bilbo could breathe again.

He cried.

_#_

_AN/_

_I'm not sure if I continue, it depends. I may move this to be part of _Days of Bag End_ if I don't, like I originally though. _

_But if I do, this will be a short story, about two to five chapters. I think it depends of response of the readers._


	2. Gandalf

_Thank you everyone!_

_I try to keep this interesting, but I also can't promise anything. _

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He had remained in the shadows, watching how Thorin was crowned and smiled after a long time. He watched how everyone from the Company of Thorin Oakenshield was rewarded. Earlier Balin had tried to lure him to come forward but he couldn't. He just couldn't. But Thorin had thanked him, spoke about him and his doings, praised him, saying that he was sad that their burglar couldn't come.

It almost made him cry again.

He wanted to be there with his friends, but he was too afraid. There were too much people around them and he couldn't face Thorin. Not yet, maybe never. So he used the ring, avoiding everyone successfully and slipped back to his rooms.

"I'm not glad you using that ring Bilbo."

Of course Gandalf was there already.

"It… helps." Bilbo murmured, not facing the old wizard.

Gandalf frowned but then sighed.

"Be careful my dear hobbit, just promise me that you are careful."

"I promise, of course I promise. Are we ready to leave?" he chance the subject.

"Are you?" Gandalf leaned to his staff his eyes narrowing.

"Yes, yes I'm. Why shouldn't I? I miss my home. I miss… I miss…" Bilbo hiccupped, trying to find his words. "I will miss them. But… I cannot stay. I… can't."

"I understand that, I do, but I'm not sure if that is a wise decision, to leave."

"I will never see them again." Bilbo murmured and slumped to the chair.

"That you can never know. Life can be surprising dear Bilbo. Its bit of surprising that we all are still alive, though, we are not all well." Gandalf looked sadly at Bilbo who still couldn't look at him.

"I know. Maybe Lord Elrond…"

"Maybe. But, we are leaving tonight with the elves; Legolas has promised to escort us through the Mirkwood. And Thranduil, well, he wants to speak with you."

Now Bilbo looked up. "Why?"

"I have a hunch but I'm not sure. You made an great impression on him, I let you know. We meet at the gate at the time of the evening bells. Don't be late."

And then he was gone and Bilbo wanted to run after him but he was left alone to collect his few belongings.

There wasn't much. His mithril shirt that has saved his life against Azog. His Sting, now again clean from blood and filth. Wooden bead, given by Bofur, and silver one given by Kili. He sniffled. There was a knife given by Dwalin, smaller blade given by Nori. Some ancient dwarven text translated to westron given by Balin. Knitted scarf by Ori. Some jewels and gold and silver. All gifts from his friends.

He felt sick.

#

They waited him. The whole Company was there, waiting him. He noticed how Fili was holding his brother back.

"Are you sure?" Bofur asked quietly, near enough that no one else could hear him.

No he wasn't. But he couldn't be there either.

"Bilbo, please, don't go." Kili was suddenly beside him, Fili fast behind him, their eyes pleading him to stay, Kili's hand reaching him and Bilbo felt his breathing goes heavy and stepped back. He wanted to hug this dear boy who had fallen in love with elf lady and wounded badly, losing the sigh of his other eye and movements from his right hand. He would never again use his bow. But he stepped back, stepped away terrified that Kili would touch him.

"I… I come… back… If I can. If… If… I will miss you, you all." How much he wanted to hug them all and not to leave, to hold them near and never let them go, but instead he hugged himself.

"You are always welcome here Master Baggins. Bilbo." Thorin said, trying to smile but failing. Bilbo could see that the king was tired, not healed yet. He looked broken.

"Maybe I should come with you." Bofur said suddenly and Bilbo stared his best friend not knowing what to say.

"I'm afraid there is no time to wait anyone. Bilbo, we have to go. We are going to ride through the night and be in Mirkwood by the morning." Gandalf stepped behind Bilbo and his hand landed Bilbo's shoulder.

He froze.

Everyone around him froze.

Bilbo shrieked and backed off, falling, started to crawling backward away, his eyes big as plates staring the people around him. He couldn't think.

"Bilbo, it's alright. I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. Please, calm down." Gandalf looked absolutely shocked. He hadn't though his action.

"Your pony is there Master Baggins." Thranduil stepped forward, pointing the pony beside his horse, his tone firm and cold and Bilbo slipped away, wanting to just disappear. But he couldn't use his ring. Not in here, front of these people. He reached his pony, and for a moment he was afraid to touch the reins.

When he was clumsily on the back of the white and gray pony, the reins tightly on his grip, he refused to look up. He heard his friends, wishing good luck and travel through the snow filled mountains. It would be dangerous travel even with a wizard.

Then suddenly they were on the road, the sky clear above him and the moon so full and bright that they didn't needed any torch to light their way. But there was Gandalf's star like light coming from his staff. Bilbo looked it and then turned slightly to look back and he just knew that he had seen the mountain last time in his life.

He felt the hand around his neck and throat and looked fast away.

He couldn't go back.

And he hadn't say goodbye to his friends.

#

_well, lets see, this is going to be longer than two chapters..._


	3. Thranduil

He looked tired first time since Bilbo had seen him. The elf king was sitting silently near the window looking the garden what was now under the heavy snow. It had started to snow day after they reached the Mirkwood palace and so Bilbo was forced to stay and speak with Thranduil.

He didn't dislike the elf but he either didn't harbor warm feelings toward him. Thranduil seemed always distant and cool and cold and hard. Bilbo knew that the life of the elven king hadn't been like dancing on the roses, he had met dragons before, fought with them and was dedicated to his people with his whole heart, twisted or not.

But he was also stood by the king side at the beginning of the battle. He had never even tried to send the hobbit away from it, just accepted him as he was. Thranduil had saved his life, he was saved elf's life, they were battle bonded like some called it and Bilbo had learned in small amount of time that Thranduil, although he acted so coolly even toward him was actually almost overprotective.

Bilbo liked to call him as a friend and Thranduil did the same, calling him elf-friend. Honor what was rare these days.

"You called me?"

Thranduil lifted his head and Bilbo knew that he was honored enough to see the true form of this elf. It wasn't pretty at all and Bilbo faced it bravely.

"Brave hobbit, indeed."

And the magic was back again, creating the illusion of ageless elf, but the eyes remained same. Too much seen eyes.

"I actually saw that when you showed it to Thorin."

"So you were there." Thranduil smiled and Bilbo actually blushed. "Well, I did not have choice back then. And I'm sorry for that."

Thranduil waved his hand and gestured Bilbo to sit for the low cushion like he.

"You're so much more than what you give out master Baggins."

"Bilbo. Please."

Again that sad smile.

"Very well, Bilbo. I wanted to speak with you, but I'm unsure if you want to hear what I'm going to say."

Bilbo looked away. "I do not know before you tell."

There was a ghost of touch on his cheek and he pulled away and tried to catch his breathe again under Thranduil's worried eyes.

"That my friend, is going to be your doom."

"I… know."

"Well, every brave one has gone through something similar in his life. Some can go through it, some, not. And if this go much longer you truly are gone and someday I'm visiting on your grave."

Bilbo didn't know what to say, he just stared out of the windows, not truly seeing anything.

"That is something I don't want to do and, in couple of years, I'm also leaving the Middle-Earth and leave this realm to my son. I'm tired, beyond tired I'm afraid, and I'm longing to see my loved one again."

"Your… wife?"

"My wife. She left early, when our son was just born. She was afraid to touch him."

That was revelation what Bilbo hadn't expected.

"She was afraid to… touch?"

"She couldn't. Something happened to him during her pregnancy and she, she never could touch her son, and she never could touch anyone anymore. So she left, left to heal knowing that our separation would broke me and our son would never truly know her in his life, because I'm not sure Legolas will follow us through the sea."

"I can- touch." Bilbo stammered, trying to understand.

"But cannot be touched. But it seems very similar to others. Either way, you both are beyond our reach and it's your job to reach us when you want to start to heal." Thranduil leaned forward, his gaze locked at Bilbo. "My wife, I say, gave up too easily, seeking the way to escape. But she was never strong. You are. I say only this. Only you can heal yourself. And I warn you, let yourself heal because when you do not do so, you broke the heart of your friends and kin."

"I left them. Left them there not saying even goodbye." Bilbo felt the tears in his eyes. "And Bard. He wanted to see me too and I couldn't… I couldn't…"

"Look at this way then. When you never said goodbye to them, you never truly left and you can come back, and maybe hug them."

With those word Bilbo broke and he cried again a long time and Thranduil was there, letting him be, to sleep right there, not trying to move him away, too afraid that he would woke up the exhausted little creature.

Two days later Gandalf and Bilbo left with Legolas.

"We will see one more time Bilbo Baggins. Good journey, and remember what I said."

"I will." Bilbo promised and again they were on the road.

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_AN/ Alright, thank you everyone from the reviews, next Beorn. And someone asked about Bagginshield and I say no, but maybe alternative ending? I have done so many times so I can do so now if anyone wants. But wait until the last chapter. _


	4. Beorn

He watched carefully the hobbit knowing not to go too near or touch him. He could sense the little bunny's distress and Gandalf had warned him. It wasn't first time he saw something like this and he knew that he couldn't help but be there. Bilbo seemed afraid of everything. He leaped away even from the animals and then Beorn remembered the horse what refused to be touched.

"Come with me bunny."

"Beorn, would you stop using that name?"

Ah, the little one was still as sassy as ever and Beorn smiled.

"No, it suits you. You're small."

"To you, yes, as a hobbit, not so." But he followed Beorn out of the halls and they walked toward the stalls.

"I want you to meet someone." Beorn explained. "If he's here. You know my horses move freely around my lands."

Bilbo murmured something, too low to Beorn to hear but he guessed.

The horse, huge stallion, was standing in the snow, near the others but still apart from them.

"Gaewyn." Beorn called and the horse turned its head to look at them. Beorn reached his hand.

"Come."

But it backed off.

Beorn sighed. "He wont let anyone to touch it. I do not know what happened but two winters ago it came back and refused to answer my call." He turned to look at the hobbit, buried under heavy jacket and big hat what covered half of his face along the scarf, snow slowly landing over him, but still pare foot. No, he couldn't understand that point.

"I think that you may be able to call it to come. Would you try?"

No other answer but Bilbo turning on his heels and walking back at the house.

Beor sighed and watched the horse. Maybe he was too bold about the thing.

#

He came back later and watched the horse. Just watched. And it, he, watched back. Neither one moved.

"So, you're like me then." Bilbo let out chuckle and took deep breathe. "Gaewyn."

#

The winter went slowly forward and they were stuck in Beorn's place.

"Never saw this much snow." Gandalf murmured. Bilbo remembered the winter when his mother had died.

"I have." and walked away. Gandalf still blamed himself not being in time to protect the hobbits. He had lost dear friend to the wolves.

#

"Gaewyn."

It had become routine now.

He, standing alone there in the snowy field.

He and the horse.

He called once, waited, and left.

He didn't know was he capable to touch if Gaewyn someday would come.

But he knew that he have to try.

Beorn didn't spoke about the matter. But he still called him bunny just to annoy him. It felt good. It felt normal.

#

It was last day, they would move forward toward Rivendell and it would be dangerous path. Bilbo watched the horse.

"I'm leaving Gaewyn. I don't think that I ever come back here. I'm not even sure that I can survive when we go over the mountains, wizard along or not." He let out bitter laugh. "Some days I think if it would be best. Maybe that is the reason why I want to travel through the winter. It's dangerous. Dangerous up there."

Bilbo turned his head toward the mountains. Then he heard soft neigh. Gaewyn looked at him, standing bit nearer than ever before.

"Some days are just dark and I just have to hear my own heart beating to be alive. To continue to live. I promised to try, but it's hard and I can't tell anymore where my journey will end. Do you know, I live in very peaceful land called the Shire. Very lovely place. Green hills and fields. When I left…"

He stopped and closed his eyes against the pain what he felt thinking his home.

"When I left I have never taken any step further than Bree. I was so afraid and I didn't know anyone. I doubted myself very much. Very much indeed. I think that this is very much same."

Bilbo lifted his chin and looked Gaewyn who was now standing very near at him, head lowered to look at him.

"But I can never regret that I left. My mother used to say that life will pass me if I don't open my eyes. I used to though that it was fine, but now I think she was right. But I saw too much and now I just want close my eyes again. But if I do so, I know that I'll never come back, to be myself again."

He reached his hand. It was shaking.

"Do you want to come? With me? Would you protect me? Do you want to see the green hills too? Do you, help me?"


End file.
